Hugo's Blogspotting: 5 September

Charlie Chuckaway

I’ve seen some pretty gross things at the poker table over the years. You know, people picking their nose and then handling the cards and chips and thinking nobody else has noticed. Or players getting the cards and chips all greasy from not using a napkin when their eating at the table. Actually, just watching some players eating at the table is quite disgusting sometimes.

Or seeing a player you know come out of the bathroom without washing their hands because their desperate to get back in the game. That sort of thing. Well I have to say that Terrence Chan has outdone all that in his latest blog. Chan is in Macau for the APPT and found himself on the same table as some young kid who had overdone it on the drinking front the night before.

“He would take frequent trips, a couple per level to go to the bathroom and presumably puke his guts out. One memorable time, he realized he wasn't going to make it, and heaved right into his baseball cap. The whole table was completely grossed out, obviously. This guy was in as bad shape as anyone I've ever seen at the table. He was in such bad shape he was offered a doctor on multiple occasions. The amazing part was that the guy just folded hand after hand. At one point I think he must have went six or seven orbits without voluntarily putting money into the pot. Whereas most people in his state would have just looked to ship the money in and build a stack or go home, this guy was clearly just resigned to staying well in line and hoping that he'd be in better condition for Day 2.”

Ugh. Just reading that makes me feel nauseous. Still, one has to give the kid credit for hanging in there and trying to keep playing I suppose. I do remember reading about some tournament on a poker cruise which encountered rough seas and this resulted in the dealer throwing up all over the table.

Still I guess all that gives new meaning to every poker player’s favourite word, “Sick”. I wonder if the kid puked up into his baseball cap after a particularly evil outdraw? Perhaps his flopped quads got runner-runnered?

I’m kind of surprised this sort of thing doesn’t happen more often, especially somewhere like Las Vegas where free drinks are eagerly given out to the punters. I’ve played with many a drunken player in my time, but never anyone in a state such as the kid in Chan’s blog.

In fact, I can think of one very good player I know who also happens to like a drink. One time he showed up at the Vic pretty lit up and sat down. “Oy oy”, I thought, “Let’s see what happens now”. Somehow this guy just played even more granite than normal!

The truth is, drunks aren’t good for the game at all – they usually just slow up the proceedings and end up getting into pointless arguments. Hold on, that sounds like every game I’ve sat down in anyway, so maybe that’s not such a good theory.

Unreal

I’m not sure if this next blog is a put on, but Jay Rosenkrantz aka Krantz writes about being a part of poker version of Big Brother.

“HOUSE OF CARDS, a half hour special, will chronicle the lives of a group of top-flight online poker players. All close friends who met on the internet, they’re considered the best online players in the world. We’ll hear their stories and vicariously experience a dream life through their eyes, enjoying the best that high-end Las Vegas luxury has to offer. From the hottest clubs to the top hotels and restaurants, the boys are heroes to kids like them around the Globe. Along the way they’ll win and lose money in competitive games against other players of their skill level. House of Cards will be a compelling look at the minds and personalities of the elite online poker subculture.”

I guess it was inevitable that some kind of reality TV show would be made based around the “balla” lifestyle of internet poker players. I wonder how long it will take for the producers to realise that watching somebody play poker online is actually pretty boring?

If they were to genuinely show the reality behind most poker players’ lifestyles I think the pathos would be crippling. Picture the scene if you will – some overweight slob fires up PokerStars. His room is a mess – old takeaway cartons, poker magazines and pornography are piled up everywhere. There is barely room on his desk to move his mouse. He is attired only in his grotty-looking underwear.

Within seconds he is awaiting the first hand of a $5 turbo. Not long after he is the first player to be eliminated after getting “coolered” with a standard A3 vs 22 matchup. He abuses the “donkey” who knocks him out in the chat box.

After failing to borrow some money off the camera crew filming him, he consoles himself by logging onto his favourite porn site. Before he has a chance to really get stuck in his mother interrupts by walking in and asking if he has any laundry that needs doing.

“For fuck’s sake Mum! I told you to fucking knock on the door before coming in!” You get the picture…

I mean, do the execs behind this show even realise that a turbo sng takes about 40 minutes to finish, let alone some big MTT on a Sunday evening? I also assume that the makers of this show expect all poker players to have the same sort of character traits as Hellmuth/Matusow. A telling paragraph from Krantz’s blog is the following:

“-this project was in development for almost 18 months before we got the greenlight. It was shopped around at MTV, HBO, and a buncha other networks that passed for various reasons, some of which included that “they wished one of us would have a drug addiction or go broke,” or “loved it! now make two of them girls!” 21 doing well at the box office reignited interest.”

I suspect the producers’ wish of some of the players going broke shouldn’t be too hard to fulfill. I especially love the “now make two of them girls!” line – just like every other dingbat in the poker industry. Look at how they were all drooling over the thought of Tiffany Michelle winning the WSOP. How great it will be for the game they all say. Yeah, great.

Will reality TV be “good for the game”? Do we actually care? We’re all still gonna be sick poker players whatever happens aren’t we? Still, as Krantz says,

“Only in America. Where was reality TV when we were trying to win the Cold War? All we had to do was ship some Real World DVDs off to Moscow and it woulda been game over.”


Introducing Robert12345

I had the pleasure of meeting Robert12345 the other day at the Vic. As he sat down in the game he asked me if I would feature his blog in this column. He handed me his iphone and I had a cursory glance at a blog that seemed to be filled with graphs and hand histories. Er…maybe you could actually write something I feebly suggested.

“So now I am going to try my best to be more personal and less about calculations bullshit and include more swear words and funny stories.”

Wow, I can’t believe somebody actually listened to me for once. So what did Robert12345 conjure up? A hilarious tale dotted with some of the Vic’s most memorable characters which is not only enlightening, but manages to capture the current poker zeitgeist? Yeah, something like that.

“In the end some 70 arab women cleaned out all the young pros at the table. Literally she looked like lady macbeth on ketamine. Her face was really droopy like a beagle dog when you were in a pot with her and she just made you feel intimidated and scared firing barrel after barrel playing pot after pot. Honestly she was one of the shittest players ive seen at 5/10 but managed to clear out all the 'Pros' Shit like this makes me feel like fuck live poker I wait for 2 hours and watch lady macbeth beagle dog pick up every fucking pot I push cuz im tilted like fuck and want to play online, WHAT THE FUCK IS THE POINT?!”

Ok, we’re not talking Saul Bellow here, but still that’s much better than some dull graph. One question though, does he mean that 70 women came to the table and got the lot? That would definitely be a good thing in the eyes of the more-women-playing-poker brigade.

Or does he mean a 70-year old woman ironed out all the bluff-happy youngsters in the game? I was there so I know he means the latter – incidentally, his description of the lady in question is quite accurate. Bit harsh though maybe and I hope she doesn’t trawl the internet checking out poker blogs…

Still I like it, heart on the sleeve, baring all etc. That’s what blogging is all about. Don’t give up live poker Robert – you won’t have anything to write about if you do.

Hugo 'Chimney Sweep' Martin